In the "universal" war, the remote wins

     Imagine a world where you could use one device to turn on both your television and your DVD player, where this single miraculous tool could also control volume and picture format, where you never had to leave the comfort of your couch to fish for another remote or mess with the dials of your TV or DVD player.

     Such a world is already here, you say?

     Not in this household, so one of my resolutions for 2012 was to program the remote for our satellite receiver and television so it would also control the DVD player – for the first time in the history of our home.

     How did it go? How much time do you have? Like this:

     HOUR ONE: Try to figure out the “device code” for our Emerson combined DVD/VCR player (OK, it’s an older model). This involved pushing buttons to go from “satellite” to “DVD” mode, holding down the mode button ‘til several other buttons flashed, then punching in numbers from a chart that might or might not be the right ones for this particular model DVD player. Just to be sure, I punched them all in twice. Then I did the hokey pokey and I turned myself around.

     HOUR TWO: Try to bust that darned device code using the “scanning” method, where you switch from satellite to DVD mode, turn on the power and go up and down the channel selections until the DVD turns itself off. Then you know you’ve got the right code. I finally got codes for both the DVD and the VCR and was about to pop open the champagne when I realized that, no matter which input or mode buttons I pushed, the television picture did not change, so I was obviously not switching to DVD mode.

     HOUR THREE: When in doubt, call India. I finally broke down and called the customer service number for our dish company and got a resolutely polite man with an Indian accent (I’m convinced this is why so many companies outsource customer service to India; no one else is as courteous in the face of consumer hostility). He walked me through several button-pushing steps, put me on hold a couple of times, then got back in and asked whether my television had any channel buttons on the face of it. It did not, I told him. Well, he said apologetically, even though his company’s remotes are supposed to be “universal,” there are some televisions they just won’t work with and mine was one. He was so sorry, he said. But not as sorry as I was.

     HOUR FOUR: I considered opening the champagne anyway.

     Some things just aren’t meant to be.